A teaching story

Ken:

Someone asked, “How can the small understanding be an obstacle to a great one? If a person has acquired capacities which enable him to understand important things, will these not inevitably enable him to overcome the distorting influence of small thoughts?”

Saad Nimrah said, “Pick up stones, all of you. Small ones. These stones do not block vision when they’re at a certain distance. They’re too small. But if you hold even the smallest stone up to your eye, it’ll appear large because it’ll be an obstacle to vision. It’ll block the sight.”

The Stone, The Dermis Probe, Idries Shah, p. 83


Gail: So today is called: “Drawing Your Map.” And I’d like to start out by asking you a few questions and seeing what happens from there. So, what is a body sensation? Justin.

Drawing your map

Justin: I’d say it’s a feeling. Sensation, I would say it’s a good feeling felt throughout the entire body.

Gail: Anybody else? So everybody agrees that a body sensation is a good feeling felt throughout your body? [Laughter]

Student: I would say it’s information that you’re picking up either internally or externally.

Ken: This is sounding suspiciously like bread. [Laughter] I guess we better keep going. Anybody else?

Gail: John?

John: It’s a perception that’s received through one of our senses, either the gross senses or more spiritual ones.

Ken: This has been a very quiet corner.

Gail: This is a quiet side of the room.

Student: We’re taking it all in.

Ken: Let’s start with Denise. I’m going to pick on you now.

Denise: I’d say it’s a shift in energy.

Ken: It’s getting more and more esoteric, isn’t it? Randy?

Randy: It’s a doorway.

Ken: I’m glad you’re taking this part of it.

Student: It’s a cramp. [Laughter]

Ken: It’s a cramp; it’s a crap. Now I see why we’re having trouble.

Gail: We can’t agree on that sensation.

Ken: It’s very like bread. We could use the Kanjur Rinpoche remedy.

Gail: What’s that?

Ken: Just hit them all in the stomach.

Gail: And we have bones to do it with.

Ken: That’s right.

Gail: Okay. Is a memory a body sensation?

Ken: Melissa?

Melissa: It is. I was just nodding my head.

Gail: She said it can be. Is thinking about what needs to be done a body sensation?

Student: It can have that component.

Ken: It can have that component. So what is the component? I’m going to infer from that that there’s a component in thinking about what needs to be done, which you experience as a body sensation. Tell me about that component.

Student: For example, may I give an example? Thinking about a manuscript I have to write when I get back—describing a scientific study I did—I may have some words that I think of in terms of how I’m going to write it. But I also may have a clenching in my gut, and that would definitely be a body sensation component. I also just wanted to say that I wish all my body sensations were pleasurable as Justin’s are. [Laughter]

I think it can also work the other way, where something happens to your body, and therefore you have thoughts. So it’s a chicken or egg kind of a question.

John: I think the body becomes the vehicle for the doing.

Ken: Did you understand that?

Gail: No, I could use some clarification on that one.

John: In other words, it’s the physical entity by which some determination you came to is required to be able to do whatever.

Jeff: I think these are all arbitrary distinctions on the order of a map. [Laughter]

Ken: Would you elaborate on that please, Jeff?

Jeff: I’ve been trying to figure out the difference. The way I know I’m thinking is a sensation, the way I know I’m feeling is a sensation. The way I know something hurts is a sensation. So I think that those distinctions are just ways of pointing towards different kinds of sensations that do different things.

Ken: Okay.

Student: There’s a spider coming here. To me, perception, or anything that arises, or what I experience, is from the body, but the awareness of what arises is not.

Ken: So where are you with body sensations at this point? Any of you learn anything here?

Student: I was thinking about it with someone. And we were talking about how it might not be now that we notice it. When we get back into our normal real lives of the same thing over and over again, we might be able to look at it through a different point of view. Maybe, our challenges, be able to conquer them through a different means of just a different way of doing it.

Ken: I’m more concerned with what you’re experiencing right here, right now. This discussion about body sensations, has it allowed you to have a different view or a different way of approaching it? Because one of the things we’ve been identifying in people’s comments, is some people saying, “I don’t have any body sensations,” or “I don’t feel anything in my body.” Gail and I are sitting here and saying, “Judging by the way their body’s behaving, that’s not true.” There’s a disconnect that we’re trying to address here. What I want to know is, are we addressing it yet?

Student: My body sensation is a tight chest. I’ve been noticing its relationship to other things like my breath, my emotional state, and my pattern of sighing a lot. And I’ve just noticed that it doesn’t really want to change yet. It doesn’t want to shift yet. So I’m sort of hanging out with it.

Ken: Okay.

Student: What I understand from this discussion is that my first reaction to your question was that no, they’re not connected. A memory is not a body sensation. After talking about it, it feels like yeah, that there’s some exchange.

Ken: Anybody else? Susan.

Susan: As an old vipashyana meditator, old in both senses, you’re all making it so complicated. I mean, right now, I feel my mid-back leaning against the wall, I feel that pressure. I feel the pressure of my forearms on my knees. I feel my feet on the floor. I feel the cool air around my hot toes. I mean you could go on and on and on, and at any time you could do that. And you could be—if you decide to focus on it—aware of multiple body sensations. I’m aware of the feel of my shirt, my pants on the skin in the areas that they touch. It doesn’t have to be anything profound.

Ken: Lynea.

Lynea: I feel like this process has really helped me make a connection between thinking and body. This morning, during the meditation, I realized I always have tension here and I tend—no matter what I’m doing—to do this. And I started to realize that when I dropped this, when I relaxed this, everything became more present. All of a sudden, I was more present, as opposed to thinking, “Stop thinking, then you’ll relax, and then you’ll become more present.” There was a really direct connection between the habit of these muscles clenching and sucking me away into my head, away from what’s around me.

Ken: Okay. Guy.

Guy: I agree completely that there’s nothing necessarily profound, but I myself realize on this retreat that I have very much underestimated the power of observation as a way of becoming aware of much bigger emotional patterns. So it’s not so much the sensations, it’s just that. For me, that’s been an interesting thing even though everyone knows who meditates that that’s a feature of meditation. Just being aware of bodily sensations.

Ken: Not everybody. [Laughs] I’m not speaking about people here, particularly. Different approaches to meditation emphasize different things. One of the things that I’ve found a lot, coming from the Tibetan tradition, is that Tibet wasn’t a body culture, the way that Japan, for instance, is. And the extraordinary, very deep disconnects often that people, who’d been practicing for years, had between their body … They were literally meditating with their mind and their intellect the whole time, and confused about why after 10, 15, 20 years of practice, very, very little had changed, if anything. They’d developed certain abilities, but nothing really had shifted.

So, what I want to do right now is to lead you through a kind of exercise and then Gail’s going to lead you through a very different exercise, but one builds on the other. You can just put your books down. You won’t need to take notes. It’s all going to be recorded. You can download it from the internet afterwards.

The first exercise

Ken: We’re going to start with exactly where Gail started. I’m going to do this in a slightly different way, but I think this will be fine. Pick anything that you are experiencing physically now. And when I say physically, that is any one of the senses. The way that John mentioned earlier is a physical sensation. So it could be something you see, something you hear such as the birds outside, something you sense in your body, pressure of your body on the cushion or the floor. So, you pick something.

Now I’d like you to entertain the question: how much can I experience in this same sense, whichever one you’ve chosen, while continuing to experience this? Just explore that. If you’ve chosen the physical sensation of pressure in your body or feel of your hand resting on your knee, how much more can I experience? Tactilely.

If you’ve chosen a visual experience, visual sensation, such as the color of a person’s clothing in front of you, how much more can you experience visually? If you’ve chosen sound, how much can you experience in sound?

Then I’d like you to consider the next question: while I experience this, all of this, through this one sense, how much can I experience in my other senses at the same time? Now as you do this, you may find that you get confused or distracted or overwhelmed.

Going back to the story I read earlier, you might consider that overwhelm as being caught up by one of those small stones. What can you do? What can you do if you’re caught up by a small stone? Various possibilities may suggest themselves. Experiment, try. How much can you experience through all your senses right now?

Then I’d like you to consider another question. Are these sensory sensations the sum total of what I experience? Or, is there anything else? Maybe there are things hanging on the ends of those sensory sensations. Can you include those? Maybe there are sensory sensations that connect with emotions. Maybe there’re just some emotions. Can you include those? What else can you include? [Pause]

Ordinarily, we think of sensory sensations as things outside; emotions and thoughts as things inside. What’s the basis of that distinction? Is it necessary to make that division? What happens if you don’t make that division? [Pause]

Now you are experiencing something. Gail’s going to lead you through another exercise, but you might try to keep this going while she does that.

The second exercise

Gail: Come to standing in a space in the room where you have enough room around you if you extended your arms, and not hit anyone.

Ken: Now experience everything that we’ve been talking about. As you stand up.

Gail: If you need to be near a wall, be near a wall, just for stability, because we’re going to work with our eyes closed for a moment. So go ahead and shut your eyes, or at least soften your gaze, and feel exactly what Ken was going through. It’s just that now you’re standing. [Pause]

Start to notice what is the space between your left ear and your left shoulder? If you measured it, how long would it be? Does it have a temperature? What does the air on your face, on your left side, feel like? How much space is between your two legs? What is the space between your arms and the side of your body? Take in your sensory experience and these experiences of space.

Notice that there’s space in front of your body and behind your body. Is there any difference between your awareness of the two? We’re going to focus on the space behind yourself. Have you ever seen it? If you were going to look at the space behind yourself—go ahead and try this—how would you do that?

Turn and look at the space behind yourself. You might even try touching the space behind yourself. There are many possible ways of finding out what’s back there. How far does that space go? What is its temperature. When you’re just standing still, are you even aware that it’s behind you? Can you actually see it? Can you sense it? Can you touch it?

Imagine that you were to take a few steps backwards—you’re not going to try this yet—into the space behind yourself. What would that feel like to enter the space behind, thus leaving the space in front? How would you go about doing that in a way that you would not run into anyone or anything in the room? What would you need to be aware of? Get a good idea of how you’re going to try that activity of walking about three steps behind yourself into the backspace.

Ken: Before you do this, notice all the things going on right now. See people preparing, anticipating. It might be there’s a bit of anxiety, fear, trepidation— experience it all.

Gail: Now that you know how you’re going to try it, go ahead and take that pathway, being very aware of how you do this. What comes up in you internally? Can you leave the space in front? What is it like to go into the space behind?

Ken: Do remember that if you’re looking over your shoulder, the space behind you has moved. You’re walking into the space behind you. [Pause]

Gail: Note for yourself that experiencing of walking into the space behind you. How close was it to how you thought or imagined what it would be like? Okay, let’s come back to sitting. Big question time.

Student questions

Ken: Okay. What was your experience with this?

Student: I’m really afraid of just the thought of the space behind me. Fear the boogeyman.

Ken: Monsters under the bed.

Student: Monsters and stuff.

Gail: Lots of monsters back there.

Ken: Anybody else?

Student: I had anxiety and fear as well, but then the second time it was fun because now I knew, at least for those three steps.

I am sorry I’m cheating. I danced tango, so I go backwards all the time. So for me, not a problem. It feels good. The only thing I really don’t like is the temperature. The idea of the temperature. I think about a thermometer and so I start going away somewhere else. So I dunno how to feel it with my body. It’s so strange.

Ken: What happens if you just put your attention on what you’re sensing through your skin?

Student: That’s probably what I need to do. I felt a little bit more fresh behind me. Then I felt the shift of the weight before you move. That’s beautiful.

Well, interestingly enough, I thought this is nothing. We were doing it a few months ago. But what came up for me was a memory. And with that memory came intense fear. I once was involved with a retreat, not a Buddhist retreat, where we addressed fears, and had to walk backwards and blindfolded, into really unknown territory. That memory came up, and I noticed how my body stiffened. What should have been very easy and simple—going backwards—all of a sudden had a significant impact on me, just because of the memory.

I noticed that retrieving my memory—what happened before and whether I knew where I was in space—that was reassuring. I knew where I was.

I wasn’t worried because I thought if I fall, I fall. It’s a learning experience. I’ve never been afraid to do anything because if you’re always afraid, you never know what might happen. I’m always not really afraid to just jump in and do something.

Ken: We can fix that! [Laughter]

Student: Until now. The stepping back, I felt, just like I said, whatever happens, happens.

Ken: Okay, Robert?

Robert: What I noticed was I expanded my field of awareness behind me, and it just felt very safe and comforting. And I noticed that my whole body relaxed.

Student: I stayed in the place that we were prior, in terms of my concentration, which was necessary because in order to do what you were asking, required me to use some more subtle cues that aren’t necessarily apparent unless I’m in that place. While you were talking and describing what you wanted us to do—I tend to use my ears a lot in terms of spaciousness—I was judging how far away you were. And then when I moved back, I knew that the space had changed.

Ken caught me when he said, “Behind you isn’t when you look to your side anymore.” That was an interesting kind of trick because I thought that still was behind me. But I understand what you’re saying. But the result of that was that based on my analysis, I knew that there was a possibility that there was something there that I hadn’t considered. And the only safety I did was I put my hands out behind me just in case I were to bump into somebody or something.

Ken: Jessica.

Jessica: In both exercises, I was struck by how nothing was what I thought it was going to be.

Student: I was close to a wall. So I was aware of what was behind me and I got to know that space. Then I realized I was going to step into it, it was wonderful because I could only take very small steps. And so it felt like I could actually really relax and experience those steps. I have a tendency to take on really big things and get really scared. So it was a really good learning experience.

I felt like I could leave the space in front of me and enter a space behind me without moving, without taking steps.

Gail: So, what does that experience possibly have to do with meditating?

Student: Moving into the unknown and therefore being more alert.

The present moment. The first part of the experience of what I heard you call “the field,” experiencing the whole field of the physical, for me, it removes the obstacles to present mind, to being present. So I find it really helpful.

For me, I had a similar experience where the more I felt different parts of my body, the more I became present, aware, and in my body. For me, before and after we started the exercise was a difference. I could feel much more here, in my body, and feeling different sensations and emotions.

It’s about including everything: thoughts, emotions, sensations, everything that is around me. That was for me, the meditation.

Ken: This is not what you expected it to be.

Gail: Indeed, the map is nothing like the territory. [Laughter]

Ken: It’s our tendency—and there’s nothing particularly wrong with this, but it’s just to be noted—that as we are opening to experience, we’re also constructing an idea of it. This is the observation-assessment thing we talked about yesterday and the day before.

We’ve been breaking it down into very, very small steps. And as Gail was leading you through this, before actually asking you to walk back, take those three steps, she said, “What picture do you have? How are you going to do this?” Well, even if she hadn’t asked you to do that, you already had a picture. So that’s something to include, or to be aware of, that as we’re experiencing things, we’re also constructing a picture or, to use our terminology today, a map.

How many of you have experience with map making? How accurate are most maps? It’s a little touchy, isn’t it? How many of you have ever drawn a map to anything? How accurate was that map? Have you ever had the experience of giving a map that you thought was absolutely clear to somebody else, and them getting lost? Do you know what I am talking about? All right. So, when you took those steps backwards, what was the correspondence between your experience and your map?

Another way I get to this very often is when people are saying, “I’m afraid of what might happen in the future if I start to meditate now.” To which I usually say, “Wherever you are in your life, 20 years ago, how many of you expected to be at this point?” The fact is it’s all a mystery. You never know how things are going to turn out. And if they do turn out exactly as we planned, we’re usually pretty bored.

This is the distinction between the map, which is this picture, and the territory. We’ve called this retreat Finding the Way. Up to this point, it’s been primarily about gathering information. What’s out there in terms of our own experience. That includes our expectations, our desires, our ambitions, our hopes, our fears, all of that.

We’ve been putting a lot of emphasis on what you’re experiencing right now, observing that. And the reason for that is that it’s actually all we can ever know—what we’re experiencing right now. Everything else is a construct. The past is a construct. The future is a construct. When we include all of that, then we have an idea. That’s the map that arises as we’re opening to everything.

Exploring your map

Ken: There are a lot of different ways you can go in your practice at this point. One I’m going to suggest is that you begin to become aware of the map. One way to think about the map is your idea of what you should be doing, how you should be meditating, what you should be looking for. I would like you to start exploring that map. Maybe there’s a trail that says, “Gold in this direction.” Maybe there’s a sign which says, “Do not enter here.”

Many years ago, Robert Bly wrote this book called Iron John, which starts off with a fairy tale, one of the Grimm’s brothers fairy tale, one of the Central European fairy tales, in which there is a kingdom. And in this kingdom there’s a forest. And anybody who goes into this forest is never seen again. So the king has forbidden anybody to go into the forest.

One day, a hunter comes along and he’s looking for an adventure. He hears about this forest. So he goes to the king, and asks for permission to go into the forest. The king talks with him and makes him fully aware of the dangers. The huntsman says, “I’m looking for an adventure.” So the king gives him permission.

He goes into a forest and walks around, he can’t find anything. Keeps walking, goes deeper into the forest. Comes across a few glades, no animals, no monsters. Eventually, comes across a glade, in the middle of the glade there’s a pool. It’s a very beautiful pool. He’s looking at it and admiring it. While he’s looking at the pool, a hand comes out of the water, grabs his dog, pulls his dog under, and the hunter says to himself, “Hmm, I guess this is the place.”

So you might start exploring your map a little bit. Use everything that you’ve done in the retreat up to this point. For instance, this is where I should be going. Is this where I really want to be going? Maybe they’re the same, maybe they’re different. Maybe you have two directions: “should” and “want.” You could explore that one, and you could explore that one.

Maybe it says “gold,” but it turns out to be lead. Maybe it says “monsters,” but in you’re sitting, you have your experience, you have your map. Inevitably there are directions on the map. You follow them at your own risk. Questions?

Student questions

Julia: You ask us to ask, “Is this where I should be going?” or “Is this where I want to be going?” How about, “Is this where my own knowing tells me I should be going?”

Ken: Okay, now we have three signposts. Maybe you have 10 signposts. I don’t know. [Laughs] Just trying to be helpful, Julia. I think judging from the expression on your face, that was extremely helpful. [Laughs] There’s a question over here.

Student: Couple of other prospective questions.

Ken: Well, I’ll invite you too right now.

Student: I’m blank.

Ken: Oh, go for it.

Student: This particular map does not yet have anything on it.

Ken: Ok, what are you going to do?

Student: Generally speaking, you start either at the edges or in the center. Right?

Ken: Where are you?

Student: Damned if I know.

Ken: I guess you’re going to find out.

Gail: Take a step either way. [Laughs]

Ken: Do you follow? It’s your map. As you say, it’s true. It can be completely blank. That’s your map.

John: I don’t think I’ve heard anything so far that includes intuition. And if it does, how would this apply?

Ken: That was one of Julia’s signposts: should, want, knowing, intuition.

Gail: Curious.

Ken: Astrology chart. [Laughter]

Student: Tarot cards.

Ken: Numerology. Yeah, we have lots of options. Last question.

Student: Practically, how does it work? I mean, I’m sitting, I’m watching my breath or whatever. If I’m stuck there, what am I going to do?

Ken: Take a step backwards.

Student: I dunno how it works.

Gail: You know how to take a step backwards.

Student: Physically? Yeah. Not sitting.

Ken: Well, experiment.

Gail: Give it a shot.

Ken: This is about you finding your way. [Laughter]

Student: Because I’ve been sitting in the middle of the rain with everything. Just being not able to move.

Ken: Okay. Oh, there’s a Nasrudin story about the rain, but I can’t remember that one. We have one more story to close with. Ah, yes. This has taken on increased significance.

A sufi story

Ken:

A party of pilgrims were sitting in the presence of a great spiritual teacher. When he stood up and dramatically pointed at one of them, immediately the man fell down in ecstasy. When they all got back to their rest house, this man became impatient while they were excitedly discussing the miracle of the instant illumination. “What about me?” he demanded, “After all it was me he did it to!”

The leader of the group looked at him with disgust. “You seem to forget,” he said, “that we came to see him, the great man, doing the illuminating, not to see you being illuminated.”

What to See, A Perfumed Scorpion, Idries Shah, p. 129


Happy meditation. [Laughter]