Anger

Ken: Is it going to be disastrous for anybody here? Okay. It always is in Los Angeles. [Laughter] If you get everybody to stay to the time that the program is actually scheduled to go, you’ve done a good job.

The next five verses: I said lightheartedly just before our break that the next part’s worse. Well, it is. Twelve to 17, actually. If we could get to 19, that would be cool, but we probably won’t. These five or six verses are very specifically about situations which most of us would react to with a little bit of anger.

And as I said, Tokmé Zongpo, the author of this text, it’s very clear from his life, this is exactly what he aspired to do. So, the sense that I get is that he’s really writing about how he wants to be able to live. According to his biography, he succeeded to a degree which a lot of us would find quite astonishing.

Stealing

Ken: So, verse 12:

Even if someone, driven by desperate want, steals or makes someone else steal everything you own, dedicate to him your body, your wealth, and all the good you have ever done or will do.

37 Practices of a Bodhisattva, Tokmé Zongpo, verse 12

Okay? How many takers do we have here? [Laughs] How many of you have been mugged or robbed in your life? I have. Some people broke into my apartment many years ago and took my television and computer and a bunch of other stuff. So, what was that like for you? What was it like being robbed?

Student: A sense of violation.

Ken: It’s a big sense of violation, isn’t it? Somebody’s come into your space, taken what is yours, and it’s gone, and you feel violated. It’s much more so if you’ve been mugged, because then there’s been a physical violation as well. Now, what is our way of responding to a violation? Anger. Here’s an interesting point about anger. One way of looking at anger is that it’s the intelligence of the universe telling you that something has been violated. When somebody comes and breaks and steals something from you, you don’t really need the intelligence of the universe to figure that out.

But whenever you feel angry, whenever you feel angry, a line has been crossed. Now, it may be a conditioned line, and you’re getting angry about something that’s not appropriate to get angry about, but still, it’s a line in you that has been crossed. That’s something to take note of. It’s where your sense of self becomes active operationally. You crossed the line here. So, it’s how you know your sense of self. It’s where you get angry. That defines very clearly what is yours and what isn’t.

So, what is Tokmé Zongpo’s recommendation here? Somebody steals from you and your response is: Dedicate to him your body, your wealth, and all the good you’ve ever done or will do. Now, this is an extreme example of taking and sending—of this exchange that we’ve been talking about—and that is what he’s doing here. We need to distinguish between our “practical life” and our life of spiritual aspiration. Most of us are not quite like Tokmé Zongpo. If this happened, this is what Tokmé Zongpo would actually try to do. “Oh, you’re stealing from me? Take everything.” Now that’s partially because he was a monk and monks have relatively few possessions. [Laughter] I’m not being cynical here in any way, because when you have relatively few possessions, they become actually really important to you.

What I meant about him being a monk, there’s a whole code in the decision to become a monk. You have decided, have promised actually, to live that to the extent that you actually can. That’s a little different commitment from being laypeople, such as we are. Reading Tokmé Zongpo’s biography, I went, “This guy really took it seriously.” He really tried to live this way. So, in a certain sense, Tokmé Zongpo is trying to live an ideal life. Now, I have certain reservations about people who try to live ideal lives. It usually becomes a source of grief.

This is one of the reasons why, in the commentaries that I’ve written on this, I frequently say—and this is something I get from reading Plato and some other authors—this is very, very high language, responding in this way. It’s an extreme ideal. And when we hear this extreme ideal, it does two things. I’m going to speak personally here, but maybe there’s some resonances for you.

One of the things it does is, it makes me go, “That’s impossible.” And it is, because for most people it is impossible because you can’t imagine not reacting in some way when somebody steals from you. But then the flip side of that is the other thing that happens. I think, “Wouldn’t it be wonderful to be able to do that?” To me, what these verses do is to say, “This is really bloody unlikely, but it certainly is something wonderful to aspire to.” It sets a direction, but at the same time reminds us that we are probably never going to be perfect. How many of you have a little perfectionist tendency in you? Okay. And how does that work for you? [Laughs] So, I think a little practicality actually makes life a lot more approachable. Let’s continue here. Please, yes.

Student: When he says to give them your body, is that referring to your health or the good things that your body does for you? Or is he saying, “Let me be the victim of your anger and your desire to abuse somebody”? I’m having a little problem with that. [Laughs]

Ken: I can well understand that. I mentioned earlier how he would let fleas and lice feed on his body. And we’d go like, “Ooh.” But that’s what he would do. And have you ever had a mosquito bite and say, “Okay, you can have my blood? Just go ahead, take it.” Have you ever done that with a mosquito?

Student: No. [Laughter]

Ken: The only trouble is they insist on putting something in you that makes it itch. If they didn’t do that, it would be a lot easier. No, this does not mean accepting abuse. I’m very glad you raised that point.

It’s said of Tokmé Zongpo, and I haven’t read this in his biography, but it’s in another story that comes down. There’s a story of Buddha in one of his previous lives coming across a tigress who is so weak that she can’t nurse her cubs. So, he says, “Here, eat me.” But she’s so weak that she can’t do anything. So, he cuts his arm and dribbles blood into her mouth until she’s got enough strength to kill him and eat him. This is taken as an instance of compassion. I’ve heard leading Buddhist teachers say, “This is a horrible story. This is a terrible story.” But that’s because they don’t know how to understand these stories. In a certain sense it’s high art or high poetry. It’s something that’s inconceivable to do, but at the same time, you’re moved by it, which is what poetry does.

The story is told that Tokmé Zongpo actually happened upon either a tiger or a wolf in a similar situation, and he couldn’t do it. He came away and said, “You know that story about Buddha and the tigress? That’s actually quite difficult.” [Laugh]. Yeah, no kidding. So,, in one of the questions that came up during the break, we are so used to putting ourselves first, that these kinds of instructions, or however you want to regard these, are a way of trying to alter that perspective. But what we really end up with, and this is very important, is the whole situation. The whole situation is that we are part of that situation.

So, if, for instance, if you are in a helping profession, and there are many of them, part of your responsibility is to maintain your own good health, because otherwise you can’t be helpful to others. And that’s not selfishness, even though it may feel like it sometimes. It’s something that I’ve had to learn as a teacher because it’s very easy for me just to go on and on and on. And I would get exhausted, and I wouldn’t be good to anybody. So, I had to learn, “Okay, there’s certain things you can’t do, Ken. Okay, just accept that.” I don’t have any control issues either.

So, it’s very, very much about finding or moving towards balance. I don’t want to say finding balance because people think that’s the point to find, and then just stay there and it doesn’t work that way. But in every situation, what is out of balance here? Now, if you are giving more to the situation than you are actually capable of, you will feel resentment. And that’s a flag that the situation is out of balance. If you are receiving more from the situation than you’re putting into it, you’ll feel disrespect and disdain for the other person, because you know you’re getting the better of the deal. And that’s another indication that it’s out of balance.

I’ve come to look at those two things whenever they come up and say, “Okay, something’s out of balance here.” Whenever I feel like, “Something’s wrong here, I’m getting too much of this,” I’ll sit down with the other person and say, “How is this from your side?” I’ll check it out and make sure that I’m not getting more, because it may feel like I’m putting more into it, and I need to talk that out with the person. I’ve absolutely come to the point, the moment that I’ve starting feeling resentful about the situation, I think, “Something’s out of balance here. I need to address that.”

When you go to a form of abuse, there’s extreme disrespect there. If you’re on the receiving end of abuse, you’re being regarded as an object. You’re not a person in the other person’s mind. Well that’s an extreme imbalance, and the only thing to do is get out of that situation. Okay?

Student: That’s not what he’s advocating here.

Ken: No. And it’s very good that you raised this. I talked about this earlier this morning and last night. The tendency in our culture is to take everything literally. And this is one of the paradoxes I’m facing in writing this commentary, because Tokmé Zongpo did. It’s how he wanted to live. But these instructions really aren’t to be taken literally. They’re poetry, they’re movement in a certain direction, and they’re very, very powerful that way.

But if you take it literally, it is like taking the story of the Second Coming, the Messiah, literally. The whole myth of the Second Coming is referring to what the actual process of spiritual awakening is. We come and we have this wonderful spiritual awakening. And what happens so frequently when there’s some kind of spiritual awakening, is that the reactive patterns just shut everything right down. This has never happened. Anybody know this experience? And we go, what happened? I was so open and everything like that. And then stomp. And you can’t feel anything, or something like that. Then you go into this long period, and it can be a very, very long period sometimes, where you’re struggling and practicing and doing whatever you can, and nothing’s opening up. It just feels like you’re out in the desert, and it’s been night for four or five centuries.

And the Second Coming is when now something moves and all those reactive patterns actually do fall apart. And then there’s an opening, and now it’s a very different kind of opening because all of the stuff has been worked out in the process. But people take that myth, which is an expression of this process that takes place in us, and translate it out into the world and say, now here’s the Second Coming of Christ. Here’s the Second Coming of the Hidden Imam in Islam. It’s exactly the same myth. We had this end of the world thing recently when somebody spent $85 million advertising that it was the end of the world. It was $185 million I think, it was an extraordinary amount of money. But this is a misunderstanding. It’s taking this stuff literally, which is a huge mistake. Do you follow? Okay. Any other questions on this before we go on? They just get worse. [Laughter] I have to say that for the next six verses, then they get better. Okay.

Compassion

Ken:

Even if you have done nothing wrong at all, and someone still tries to take your head off, spurred by compassion, take all his or her evil into you.

37 Practices of a Bodhisattva, Tokmé Zongpo, verse 13

How many of you have been attacked, completely unwarrantedly? Okay. How do you feel about that?

Student: Angry.

Ken: Yeah, angry. Hurt.

Student: Crucified.

Ken: Crucified. Yeah. Pardon?

Student: Misunderstood.

Ken: Misunderstood. Grave injustice. Yes, it violates the world order. How could this happen to me? These are all the natural human reactions. And Tokmé Zongpo’s sitting here saying, “Spurred by compassion, take all his or her evil into you”.

There’s a practical side to this. In the Oklahoma bombings, Timothy McVeigh and Terry Nichols were convicted of conspiracy. Timothy McVeigh was executed. When he was executed, the families of the people that had been devastated, who had lost children and spouses in the bombing, were very surprised because they didn’t feel any completion. They had been told that they would feel closure and they didn’t. Pardon?

Student: Yeah. Revenge doesn’t bring closure.

Ken: No, revenge does not bring closure. In fact, it leaves the mark of what was done to you, in you. It’s really not a good thing. But something interesting happened. A group of those people, confused by this experience and recognizing it did not bring closure, then set out and had a series of conversations with Terry Nichols, who didn’t receive a death sentence. He received a life sentence. They met with him, I don’t know for how long, but over and over again, over quite a period of time. In this course of conversations, they came to understand where he was coming from, and he came to appreciate what he had done to them. That brought closure. Out of this came a small movement—I don’t know how far it’s gone, I’ve lost track of it—was started, which was called reconciliation not retribution.

So, when, there was a gentleman saying this earlier, when people act really badly and hurtfully, they’re doing only what they know how to do. This is why Tokmé Zongpo and others … Thich Nhat Hanh is of the same mind. He’s been through some really hellish experiences so he knows what he’s talking about. The only way to respond here is to understand: this is all they know how to do. As such, they become an object of compassion. Thich Nhat Hanh puts this very beautifully in the poem called, Call Me by My True Names. The last line of it, I may not get it exactly right, is: “I’m the 11 year old girl who’s been raped by a sea pirate. And I’m the sea pirate who is so blind he cannot see what he’s doing.” This is true.

Whenever we hear of these horrific things, or if these horrific things happen to us—there is real pain in the world and really bad things happen—but if we lose touch with our own humanity in the process, then we have lost something very important. Understanding—to whatever level that we can, that these horrific things happen because there is horrific pain in the world—this is really important because this is how we stay in touch with our own humanity and the humanity of others. It’s only by being in touch with our own humanity that there is any possibility of things moving in a different direction.

In the same way that I was responding to the comment about abuse,this doesn’t mean that we condone this stuff. That’s a common mistake that people make by saying that understanding and bringing compassion to it means that you are intrinsically condoning it. No, there isn’t any condonement here. These things are truly evil in the sense that they’re way out of balance, they cause real harm, real pain to people.

Where compassion comes in, is being able to stay present in not only the pain that is perpetrated here, but also the pain that drives it. It’s not always easy by any stretch. There’s a woman I know in L.A., she’s a defence lawyer. For the last several years—she’s a public defender, so she doesn’t earn a lot of money—but she’s devoted her practice to working with sexual abusers. That’s what she does. She works with the people who do sexual and child abuse. She’s quite an interesting person. If you met her, you just know immediately she’s doing it right out of compassion. And it’s very likely that for many of these people, she is the only human being that they will ever have contact with. The only person who is actually treating them like a human being.

Slander

Ken:

Even if someone broadcasts to the whole universe slanderous and ugly rumors about you, in return with an open and caring heart, praise his or her abilities.

37 Practices of a Bodhisattva, Tokmé Zongpo, verse 14

How many of you have been slandered in public? Just a few. How many of you have been slandered in private? [Laughter] Yes. Well, it just depends what we call public, doesn’t it?

I wasn’t always like this. Now when I hear people saying terrible things about me, and people do say terrible things about me—you should know that—I really just laugh. But it wasn’t always that way. The primary feeling that came up with me is feeling misunderstood and misrepresented. That was a terrible feeling. And just wanting to take that person and force them to say something nice about me. [Laughs] That would have been a good start. I might have persuaded them in less than gentle means to come around to that point of view. [Laughs]

There’s a wonderful story of an old Scottish woman who was reputed never to have said anything bad about anybody. Somebody came up to her and said, “So, what do you think of the devil?”

“Oh, he’d be busy I warrant”. [Laughs]

The other thing that I’ve learned is when people say really bad things about you, they are very rarely true. This is the story in their own experience. This is how they have come to understand you, the world, whatever they have heard, and how they have interpreted their interaction with you in some cases. It is how they experience things. It is how they see things. What they are doing is giving expression to their hurt for whatever reason that has come about.

So, the mind of compassion here, and the principle of taking and sending, is a way of getting below the surface into what is actually going on. You may say, well, yes, okay, that’s very nice. But as Nancy mentioned, I do a certain amount of business consulting, and one of the ways that I’m more effective with certain executives is when I can point out what is really going on in the other person. Because then they drop their anger and outrage and they just do what is necessary. They don’t do it out of anger. They do what’s right for the business and what’s right for the whole thing. It comes from a very different place. Being able to see, through compassion—compassion is very helpful this way—see where the pain actually is, and then speak to that. See behind the scenes, see what’s behind the action and so forth. This is really important.

Shame

Ken: The next one is about shame:

Even if someone humiliates you and denounces you in front of a crowd of people, (you’ll love this one) think of this person as your teacher and humbly honor him.

37 Practices of a Bodhisattva, Tokmé Zongpo, verse 15

How many takers do we have for this one? [Laughs] Why does Tokmé Zongpo say that this person is your teacher? How many of you have heard of this thing called non-self? It’s a big thing in Buddhism. And how many of you puzzle about what is the self that we are not meant to have? Is that a question for you? I will tell you a sure-fire way of having a vivid experience of the self that you don’t have. Ask someone to humiliate you in public. That self is gonna be right up there like that, vivid. There will be no confusion in you at all about your sense of self at that point. So, this is an exercise you can try. [Laughs]

That’s why Tokmé Zongpo says that this person is your teacher. Because he or she makes you acutely aware of this notion that I am this thing that people need to understand and appreciate. And I have a place in the world. And I, I, I, I, I. It is just right there. So, that’s a very interesting experience.

I had an occasion in my consulting practice where I was working in an organization with four or five executives. They all trusted me very deeply because they had learned that I didn’t divulge what they were telling me to any of the others, who were their co-workers. I was noted in the company for having a remarkable ability to maintain confidences, even though I knew exactly what was happening in the situation, because I would have six different people telling me. I would get everybody’s viewpoint, like Rashomon. Now, in talking with one of these executives, I let something slip. I’m not sure to this day whether she ever picked it up. Nothing bad happened but I felt so embarrassed about it. I just felt so ashamed that I had let something slip. So, I was right in verse 15. She hadn’t denounced or humiliated me. That would have added another notch. But I didn’t really need another notch to be added. I had plenty. So,, sometimes now and then your Buddhist training does come in handy. So, there I was and I just got off the phone call and went, “Oh God, what did I do? Do I call her and do what?” And I went, “Okay, just experience this.”

How many of you have opened to the experience of shame? I’m going to tell you my experience of it, and you tell me if this is anything like yours. The first thing is it’s hot. You know, it’s like 400 degrees Fahrenheit or something like that. You just feel like you’re burning from the inside out, but it’s not the same heat as anger, because it’s sticky. It’s like, if you can imagine hot elastic stuff, things like that, and it is all through your body.

There’s this vivid sense of self in it, “I!” And the self feels so threatened and something bad. You’re about to be wiped off the face of the earth as if you never existed. So, that’s what’s kind of going on. Is anybody else’s experience of shame something along those lines? [Laughs] This is where your Buddhist training comes into practice, you get to experience this. It was very strange because after I got off the phone and went, “Okay, just experience it.” Phew. [Sound of deep breaths] When you really experience it, and it goes back to the things we discussed, it is an experience. It’s not a fact.

All the stories you have about it, are just that. There’s just an experience. And when you actually open to the experience and experience it in every cell of your body, then it says, “Thank you, that’s what I wanted” and it goes. [Pause] Now if you go at it with that kind of expectation, it doesn’t usually work. You just have to open the experience. But this is why Tokmé Zongpo is referring to this experience of humiliation as a great teacher, because it brings up all of the stuff in a way that you can’t possibly ignore.

Verse 16:

Even if a person you have cared for as your own child treats you as his or her worst enemy, lavish him or her with loving attention like a mother caring for her ill child.

37 Practices of a Bodhisattva, Tokmé Zongpo, verse 16

How many of you have run into this kind of circumstance, where somebody that you’ve taken care of—it could be your own child or could be someone that you’ve taught or mentored, it could be someone that you’ve helped in work situations, it could be a student—and for whatever reason, they turn on you as if you had never helped them at all in your life? Now that is a very, very painful experience. Not only is there anger about it because they’re turning on you and they’re violating all of those boundaries, but there’s also such hurt because, to the best of your ability, you’ve shown kindness and consideration. You’ve spent time with them, your own energy, your own time, and what you get back is anger and hatred, vilification and disrespect. It just goes on and on. This just really, really hurts.

And we come back to what is the theme for this afternoon anyway. When somebody is like this, they are communicating their pain. The real question for us, and I think this is what it means to be awake in some sense, is can we hear what they’re actually communicating and not be confused by the way they’re communicating it? That is no easy task. “Lavish him or her with loving attention like a mother caring for her ill child.”

Internal processes

Ken: Now just on a quick footnote and then we’ll go on the last one. I’ve been talking about these as actual situations in the world, and I have no doubt that Tokmé Zongpo regarded them as actual situations in the world too. That’s where he was coming from writing it. But they also refer to internal processes. So, just this last one, number 16, have any of you had any part of you come back and bite you?

If we go to 15. Have any of you had a part of you humiliate you, act out in such a way that was very humiliating in public? The same process applies to our internal material as it does to actual people out in the world. When a part of us turns on us and is angry or upset, we’d just like to dismiss it, ignore it, get rid of it. If we do so, we may well be creating problems for ourselves because the fact that there is a part of us that is angry and that upset indicates that there’s something in us which is hurting that much. Both the anger and the hurt indicate this, doesn’t know what it means to be present where we are now, there’s something in the past.

So, we have no idea. Maybe you are different from me, but I have no idea what I am going to run into next time I sit down to practice. As our practice becomes deeper, we run into different parts of ourselves. How many of you know everything that’s inside you? We don’t know it until we start running into it. This is another reason for us to develop a very strong relationship with compassion, because we are going to need it in our own practice, as much as we are going to need it in our lives.

Then the last one:

Even if your peers or subordinates put you down to make themselves look better, treat them respectfully as you would your teacher and put them above you.

37 Practices of a Bodhisattva, Tokmé Zongpo, verse 17

This is not a formula for how to succeed in business. [Laughter] I want to be very, very clear. There are many people who now approach the practice of Buddhism or the practice of yoga as important tools in their kits to be successful in the world. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with this. They are probably better people as a result. But the distinction I do want to make is that there is a big difference between using these methods to become a better person and practicing these methods so you can be simply present in your life.

Practice to be present in your life

Ken: Those are two different motivations for practice and it’s extremely important, in my opinion, that you know what your motivation is. Because if your motivation is to use meditation, stress management, and other things to be more successful, this verse is not going to make any sense to you. You shouldn’t even worry about it because you are not coming from the same place that Tokmé Zongpo is coming from. Don’t bother trying to contort yourself in knots and interpret this in a way that helps you get ahead in business because it’s not going to work. It’s not coming from the same place.

But if your intention in life is to be as present as possible, and the only way you want to live in life is to experience your life, whatever it brings you, then this verse makes a lot of sense. That’s where Tokmé Zongpo is coming from. Yes, we’re going to experience competition in our lives and people are going to vie with us, they’re going to put us down, they’re going to make us look bad so that they can get ahead. That happens over and over again, sometimes in very significant ways, sometimes in minor ways, inconsequential ways, but it brings up the same pattern of reactivity.

Part of this is the comparing mind. We naturally compare ourselves to others. How are are we doing? How many of you have gone to retreat and looked at everybody else sitting so still? Well, they can sit better than me or I sit better than them, either way. The comparing mind is extremely deeply ingrained. It’s very deeply conditioned, and there’s a reason for this. Biologically, a comparing mind is a good thing as it gets you to try harder and helps to improve the chances of the survival of the species. It is a very sound biological basis. It’s highly likely that it is biologically conditioned or programmed into us. But it doesn’t make for a peaceful life.

When somebody out-maneuvers you politically, give them the position. Here I’m speaking very much from a spiritual perspective; it doesn’t cost you anything at all. You are the same person before and after. The only question that is relevant when we’re working from a spiritual perspective is: how can I be present here or can I experience this? Everything else is secondary. This is an extreme approach to life, but there must be some resonance with it, otherwise you wouldn’t have chosen to come here today. So, I’m feeling like I’m speaking at least to parts of you that are interested in this. Not all of you may be sold on it, but that’s another matter.

It’s quarter to five. Let’s end on a real down note, just as we did. Things can only get better. You know, there’s a wonderful Portuguese expression saying, “Guests always bring pleasure. If not in the arrival, then in the departure.” [Laughs] Let’s just sit for a few moments before we break up for the day. [Pause]

Goodness comes from this work we have done.
Let me not hold it just in me.
Let it spread to all that is known
And awaken good throughout the world.

[Gong]

Thank you for your attention today. We will meet at 9.30 tomorrow. I’m very happy that we are able to work through this. I hope that you’re getting something out of this. You may just exercise some curiosity. Take some of these verses and just work with them this evening and tomorrow morning. I mean, life is very generous. It usually gives us some opportunity to practice these things every few hours or every few minutes, etc. So, that would be a really interesting thing to do. Just pick one or two verses that speak to you and really work them over the next 12 hours or so. And let’s talk about it in the morning. So, good night and have a good evening.