Anger alerts you that a boundary has been violated

Student: You mentioned the ethics. Is having an ethical commitment always necessarily the best way to live through feelings and half awareness, which is what we’re doing in the vipashyana practice? Are those always in concert or is it possible that there may be instances where maybe it’s not very helpful to have ethics on your mind? Particularly when feeling like anger or a lot of negative emotions, I wonder if what they’re calling us to do may be actually to live through them in a way that does involve taking some kind of an action, sometimes?

Ken: Please step in and say something if you feel that I’m not understanding your question. I think there’s something very important here, and I’m glad you brought it up.

When we use the word ethics in the way that it was [used] here, it is not about not having certain feelings. That’s impossible to legislate. Situations are going to come up in our lives, where we will feel anger. We will feel jealous. We will feel love, attraction, desire, guilt, pride, you name it. The question is what happens then? Do those feelings become a source of suffering for ourself and others, which we’ve heard people talking about, or is there a way of relating to those feelings so that they don’t become a source of suffering for ourselves or others? But there’s no question here of getting rid of the feelings. That’s the first point.

Now, let’s take a closer look at two or three feelings. And the three I’m going to pick—we can pick other ones, and if there is one you like me to pick after this please say so—I am going to pick anger, desire and jealousy. Are these of interest to anybody? [Laughter]

One way to understand anger—and I think this connects with your experience—anger is the emotion which arises when a boundary has been violated. Anger is the emotion which arises when a boundary has been violated.

Now that may be a very old issue in us. It may be something that’s happening in the present. We have to be able to discern whether it is something that is relevant to the present or to some old baggage that we’re carrying. Because if it is some old baggage that we’re carrying then acting on the anger in the present isn’t exactly appropriate. You follow what I mean? Okay

But let’s say it’s an actual issue. A boundary has been violated. [Pause] Now we need to stand at that boundary and maintain it or restore it, or what have you. This takes us into a very different realm of practice now. How do we actually do that? This is something that I’ve studied actually quite deeply. And I’ve taught quite a lot. So it’s maybe again, far more than you want to know. But let’s say there’s a person and they’ve done something inappropriate. They’ve violated a boundary. The first thing is, can we talk it out with them?

If we can talk it out with them, communicate it, they get it, it’s settled. That’s a good solution. It’s a really good solution because when that happens, your relationship with that person is actually strengthened. You’ve been able to talk something out, come to a peaceful resolution, to settlement. You’ll usually feel closer together because of that.

That’s not always possible. So sometimes you have to add something to the mix. [Pause] Maybe you say, “Well, I understand why you did that, but that doesn’t work for me, so I’m just going to pay 10, 50, 100 dollars for you never to do that again.” [Laughter]

Or maybe you have to say: “You know, that really wasn’t okay with me, but we’re not getting anywhere trying to sort it out. We need to bring in another person to help us sort this out.” So you bring in a facilitator or a mediator or something like that, but you have to add something to the mix. It can be money. It can be education. It can be a facilitator—all kinds of things you can add to the mix—you get to be very creative.

Maybe that doesn’t work out. Then the next step is compel. You say, “This is the way it’s going to be.” Now when you move to that level, things get a little tricky because the relationship is forever changed when you use your personal power and say, “This is how it’s going to be.” Or you use the force of the situation and say, “You see, this is how the situation is going to play out. Whatever you do, this is how it’s going to play out.” And if the person is sensible and they see that, then they agree, the boundary is restored.

And I’ve had to do that a few times, but it changes things. Often that’s where most people start. It’s not a good place to start. You’re better starting with talking it out. But if compelling doesn’t work, then you have no choice. You end that aspect of the relationship in which the conflict arises. It’s done. You take a stand and that’s it. But this is all something that you have to come in with a great deal of awareness and no anger, because the anger has now served its purpose. It’s alerted you that the boundary has been violated and you don’t need the anger anymore. And you have to be free of it if you’re going to be able to progress through those four steps cleanly. [Pause] That’s probably more than you wanted to know.

That was then, this is now

Student: Actually, I think it probably skipped a few steps because what I’m thinking about is that I feel like a lot of the teaching that we get in vipashyana practice—texts and books and so forth—moves to what it would look like in the very ideal case.

Ken: Ah …

Student: There’s not very much emphasis on the really problematic features of how it actually happened, especially If the anger is not so much about the present, but if it’s a projection.

Ken: Aah, okay. Thank you. If it’s a projection, I have a mantra for you. Maybe others will find this useful and this isn’t just for anger because we still have desire and jealousy to talk about. [Laughter] And the mantra is, “That was then, this is now.” [Laughter]

Jealousy arises when you feel deficient

Ken: Now, let me talk very briefly, not with the same detail, about desire and jealousy just to give you a sense of how this works. Desire is the emotion which arises when a connection has been disrupted. There’s this break and “Oh.” So, how do you restore the connection? What is the appropriate way of restoring the connection? Now I don’t have a nice four-step process there. Maybe I should develop one, but that’s the direction that goes. [Pause]

Ken: Jealousy is the emotion which arises when you feel deficient. [Pause] Whether you are deficient or not, that’s a very open question, but there’s the feeling of deficiency, and it’s your job to feel that, and then go back to the situation and see what’s appropriate. Because that business of comparing, it’s all about, “I’m not enough.” That’s why people compete, they’re trying to prove to somebody that they’re enough.

I do a certain amount of business consulting and most of the CEOs and senior executives, with some exceptions, but most of them, they got where they got to because they’re trying to prove to their father, their brother or somebody that they’re enough. That’s what gives them the drive, and often produces a lot of good results, but they do tend to be a rather jealous group. Very, very competitive. You follow? And we could look at guilt, we could look at pride, we could look at greed. They’re all similar dynamics operating in everyone. Does this help?

Desire arises when a connection has been disrupted

Student: Could you go back to desire and elaborate on what you said? [Unclear]

Ken: Want me to elaborate on desire? How desire is the emotion which arises when a connection has been disrupted. Well, Is there anything that you want?

Student: I want lunch.

Ken: Ah, perfect example.

Student: Eventually. I haven’t become obsessed with lunch.

Ken: It’s the perfect example. Your connection with food is currently disrupted.

Student: Just temporarily. Until I have lunch.

Ken: And then your connection with food is restored and there’s no desire.

Student: How about desire for a person as in romantic love?

Ken: Yes. A connection with someone, maybe a connection with everyone, has been disrupted. And so now there’s desire.

Student: First love.

Ken: Well, at a certain point we seek connection. Don’t we?

Student: But no connection has been broken. No connection has been established yet.

Ken: Our connection with the world. You remember your first love?

Student: Yes, I guess.

Ken: You guess!? [Laughter] Please don’t tell them that. [Laughs]

Student: Well, I come from the south where we had to start dancing school in sixth grade and I was sort of continuously infatuated with somebody starting in the sixth grade. So it’s kind of hard to say who. [Laughs]

Ken: Well, so there you are. You’re dancing in the sixth grade and things like that. And if you look at the process, some kind of connection forms often without us being aware of that, then it’s disrupted. And then we feel desire.

Student: I would think in that case your childhood … while dancing … possibly by puberty … That’s your relation to the world that’s been disrupted. And then it just stays disrupted for a long time.

Ken: That’s what we find sometimes.

Student: Well, that’s usually not the end of it.

Ken: [Laughs] No, it goes on from there. But you get my point. You understand that?

Student: I see what you mean.